Now, however, I'm falling apart. My son has now decided, after a whole year of me asking what he wants to do and the conversation getting more heated each time I asked, that he wants to go to college after all. His grades aren't good enough for just any college, because he thinks studying doesn't work for him, (!) so he wants to go to Utah, to Snow College, a small community college in Southern Utah. I'm fine with that decision, but it should have been made about a year ago. Now we have no financial aid set up and we're suddenly making a year's worth of decisions in 1 week. In order for him to be able to go there, he needs to be considered a resident. Ha. I contacted that school by email, and if he goes and lives with his dad in Ogden for the summer, works for 3 months, gets a Utah drivers license and registers to vote in Utah, they will consider him a resident, saving him about $7000 for tuition. I think since his dad lives in Utah and pays taxes in Utah, that should count for something. But...
So, suddenly, I'm losing my baby SOON. He has to leave next week to live with dad, find a job immediately and work all summer. I don't even get to do this empty nest stuff gradually, over the summer, like I thought I would. A genuinely selfless mother would want to do what's best for her child, right? A Mom should think about the good of the child first, and if this kid is willing to better himself by going to college after the struggle I've had getting him to have grades good enough to graduate, that should be more important, right? Instead, all I can think of is that his dad will have 3 months to work on him, to convince him to go to movies and go do other things on Sunday than go to church, to talk him into just staying there and living with him and going to some dumb school there - or worse yet - not go to school at all but just work. I'm hoping and praying that someone at Snow College will help him make the decision to go on a mission after this first year (or semester - I'll even take that!) because Snow is almost as good as a church college. And then there's the question of whether he'll grow up and decide that he might have to get serious about studying after all, or will he just spend all his time playing video games since he won't have mom there to tell him to get off and do something else...
Can you tell I hate letting go???? I write all this and know exactly what I would say to anyone else who felt this way. He has to grow up and make his own decisions. But I've had so little time with him. He doesn't know everything he thinks he knows. I haven't had enough time to teach him everything, he doesn't have a strong enough testimony of the church to be able to withstand all that junk out there in the world. He's so YOUNG! I'm not sure I can do this. I keep finding myself thinking up all these complications and problems and stumbling blocks to throw in the way to try to complicate things. But I can't.
I'm also very aware that he is literally my last hope of being able to have a missionary out in the field. I went on a mission myself, as did my ex-husband, and my whole life of raising kids I've been waiting anxiously for the day when I can "share" in my kids' missions with them through their letters home. And it's never happened for me. I've noticed in the last 6 months that my son's attitude towards church and mission has changed - now, when I mention his mission someday, he gets really quiet and doesn't join in like he used to. So, maybe part of this is the fear that he won't go after all, and somehow it would make a difference if he was here at home with me. But I know it wouldn't.
I keep thinking over and over about the time when son #3 decided that he needed to move to his dad's house when he was 16. I fought it tooth and nail, my ex took me to court to force it, and the judge told me that he understood my concerns but felt that my son would deliberately sabotage himself and the progress he'd made at school so far if he wasn't allowed to try it. I had a major meltdown over it, felt like I'd completely lost my son to the drugs that his dad's stepsons were so heavily involved in. I didn't understand why Heavenly Father hadn't answered my prayers, when it was so clear what was best for my son. Instead, when my son moved to his dad's house, he suddenly became "the good kid" in the house, where at home he'd always been our problem child. Suddenly, he was scrambling to make up credits so he could graduate,. and he didn't skip school anymore, and he even attended a couple of seminary classes with some LDS friends. His counselor told me that between on-line classes and summer school and regular classes, he made up more credits the year and 1/2 there than he had transferred in with. I was so proud of him. And I was so glad that Heavenly Father was in charge instead of me.
So I'm trying very hard to keep that in mind - Heavenly Father is in charge. He knows my son better than I do, and has loved him longer. He knows my heart and what I want, and he's watching over all 5 of my children, and has things in mind for them. We are NOT the typical LDS family, and sometimes I feel like such a failure as a Mom because of it. It feels like I should have done something different so my 4 older kids wouldn't have all turned away from the church and all the things I taught them as I raised them. One kid turning away I can understand - but all 4???? Something must be wrong with me. I've heard story after story of moms who were left on their own to raise their children by themselves, and their kids grew strong in the church, went on missions, married in the temple. I tried to do the same thing and my kids chose differently. So it's hard to let go of this last one, the one who still goes to church with me, who still kneels at the sacrament table to say the sacrament prayers, who still teases me and loves me and who is SUCH a good kid with a good heart. Sigh.
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Neal A Maxwell: Faith in God includes faith in His timing!
