Top 10 Reasons an Empty Nest is a Happy Place

Now, if you remember, I did warn you that I like to make lists. Sometimes those lists are to help me remember something, like the lists I make before Family Camp, or my grocery list. Other times I've used lists to help me count my blessings or to use humor to cheer myself up. Over the last few weeks, I've been mentally counting my blessings, looking for the good, finding positive things about not having any children in my home. Kinda hard...but here's what I've come up with:

Gayla's Top 10 Reasons an Empty Nest is a Happy Place

#10 - a gallon of milk lasts more than 1 day!

#9 - when I open the blinds downstairs in the Family Room, they STAY open!

#8 - I can vacuum any time of day without someone who was trying to sleep in complaining that I shouldn't use the power head on the kitchen floor!

#7 - I scrubbed the filthy "boys bathroom" toilet and sink - and they're STILL CLEAN!

#6 - No need to empty a load of boys jeans and white church shirt with sweaty socks all mixed together from the washer before I use it!

#5 - whatever I watch on Netflix stays at the top of my "previously viewed" list, instead of having to search through zombie movies and episodes of "Supernatural"!
#4 - no mysterious pile of dirty dishes and glasses suddenly appearing on the kitchen counter AFTER I've started the dishwasher!
#3 - my husband and I can go out to eat without feeling guilty about not taking a kid with us!
#2 - I no longer have to interpret between my son and my husband, explaining what each MEANT, when they don't communicate!
AND...the number 1 reason why an empty nest is a happy place is... drum roll please...
#1 - I received a package in the mail, and I got the bubble wrap all to myself!!!

THERE. Bet you thought I couldn't come up with 10. Of course, as I was thinking these up, I could think of a lot more disadvantages and things I miss, but that's not the point of this exercise. There is always a good side, always some type of rainbow along with the rain, and I'm trying to focus more on that. 

Since my husband and I were married while I was a single mom with 5 kids, this is the first time we've ever lived alone, just the 2 of us. We're re-discovering each other, laughing together, and enjoying just us for once. And ultimately, THAT relationship is the most important.

We Survived Graduation!

I guess I should correct that to I survived graduation, rather than we. I'm the one with the problem, right? I survived the Sr picnic and cutting cold watermelons in cold weather with a hard wind blowing, carefully avoiding paying TOO much attention to my son while he was with his friends, so as to avoid embarrassing him. I survived lunch with most of my kids and my ex-husband and his girlfriend, and I survived him blind-siding us with the idea that he needs my son to leave immediately after graduation to go home with them for his summer visit instead of waiting a few weeks, as previously decided. I survived the graduation itself, and I was just enjoying the moment and feeling proud that all 5 of my children graduated from high school, and enjoyed the family who were there to help celebrate with us. And I survived staying up all night while chaperoning for the all-night Graduation party. Then I survived getting about 1/2 hr of rest before having to get in the shower so we could get in the car and drive to Utah for a family reunion, I managed to get some sleep in the car so I could have conversations with family and get to know people I hadn't met before. And I did all that without crying!

Now, however, I'm falling apart. My son has now decided, after a whole year of me asking what he wants to do and the conversation getting more heated each time I asked, that he wants to go to college after all. His grades aren't good enough for just any college, because he thinks studying doesn't work for him, (!) so he wants to go to Utah, to Snow College, a small community college in Southern Utah. I'm fine with that decision, but it should have been made about a year ago. Now we have no financial aid set up and we're suddenly making a year's worth of decisions in 1 week. In order for him to be able to go there, he needs to be considered a resident. Ha. I contacted that school by email, and if he goes and lives with his dad in Ogden for the summer, works for 3 months, gets a Utah drivers license and registers to vote in Utah, they will consider him a resident, saving him about $7000 for tuition. I think since his dad lives in Utah and pays taxes in Utah, that should count for something. But...

So, suddenly, I'm losing my baby SOON. He has to leave next week to live with dad, find a job immediately and work all summer. I don't even get to do this empty nest stuff gradually, over the summer, like I thought I would. A genuinely selfless mother would want to do what's best for her child, right? A Mom should think about the good of the child first, and if this kid is willing to better himself by going to college after the struggle I've had getting him to have grades good enough to graduate, that should be more important, right? Instead, all I can think of is that his dad will have 3 months to work on him, to convince him to go to movies and go do other things on Sunday than go to church, to talk him into just staying there and living with him and going to some dumb school there - or worse yet - not go to school at all but just work. I'm hoping and praying that someone at Snow College will help him make the decision to go on a mission after this first year (or semester - I'll even take that!) because Snow is almost as good as a church college. And then there's the question of whether he'll grow up and decide that he might have to get serious about studying after all, or will he just spend all his time playing video games since he won't have mom there to tell him to get off and do something else...

Can you tell I hate letting go???? I write all this and know exactly what I would say to anyone else who felt this way. He has to grow up and make his own decisions. But I've had so little time with him. He doesn't know everything he thinks he knows. I haven't had enough time to teach him everything, he doesn't have a strong enough testimony of the church to be able to withstand all that junk out there in the world. He's so YOUNG! I'm not sure I can do this. I keep finding myself thinking up all these complications and problems and stumbling blocks to throw in the way to try to complicate things. But I can't. 

I'm also very aware that he is literally my last hope of being able to have a missionary out in the field. I went on a mission myself, as did my ex-husband, and my whole life of raising kids I've been waiting anxiously for the day when I can "share" in my kids' missions with them through their letters home. And it's never happened for me. I've noticed in the last 6 months that my son's attitude towards church and mission has changed - now, when I mention his mission someday, he gets really quiet and doesn't join in like he used to. So, maybe part of this is the fear that he won't go after all, and somehow it would make a difference if he was here at home with me. But I know it wouldn't.

I keep thinking over and over about the time when son #3 decided that he needed to move to his dad's house when he was 16. I fought it tooth and nail, my ex took me to court to force it, and the judge told me that he understood my concerns but felt that my son would deliberately sabotage himself and the progress he'd made at school so far if he wasn't allowed to try it. I had a major meltdown over it, felt like I'd completely lost my son to the drugs that his dad's stepsons were so heavily involved in. I didn't understand why Heavenly Father hadn't answered my prayers, when it was so clear what was best for my son. Instead, when my son moved to his dad's house, he suddenly became "the good kid" in the house, where at home he'd always been our problem child. Suddenly, he was scrambling to make up credits so he could graduate,. and he didn't skip school anymore, and he even attended a couple of seminary classes with some LDS friends. His counselor told me that between on-line classes and summer school and regular classes, he made up more credits the year and 1/2 there than he had transferred in with. I was so proud of him. And I was so glad that Heavenly Father was in charge instead of me.

So I'm trying very hard to keep that in mind - Heavenly Father is in charge. He knows my son better than I do, and has loved him longer. He knows my heart and what I want, and he's watching over all 5 of my children, and has things in mind for them. We are NOT the typical LDS family, and sometimes I feel like such a failure as a Mom because of it. It feels like I should have done something different so my 4 older kids wouldn't have all turned away from the church and all the things I taught them as I raised them. One kid turning away I can understand - but all 4???? Something must be wrong with me. I've heard story after story of moms who were left on their own to raise their children by themselves, and their kids grew strong in the church, went on missions, married in the temple. I tried to do the same thing and my kids chose differently. So it's hard to let go of this last one, the one who still goes to church with me, who still kneels at the sacrament table to say the sacrament prayers, who still teases me and loves me and who is SUCH  a good kid with a good heart. Sigh. 

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Neal A Maxwell: Faith in God includes faith in His timing!

Am I The Only One?

I've just survived my last Mother's Day with a minor child in my home. He's about to graduate from High School this month. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I'm finding myself facing a future of NOT being a Mom! When my first husband left me and my whole world exploded around me, I had to keep going and moving and doing the regular stuff because I had 5 children from the age of 12 on down depending on me. I wasn't a wife anymore, and that was hard enough to deal with, but I was a Mom! Not only that, but I was Super Mom - I was determined to do it all, to make sure my kids didn't lack for anything, to pull us through this crisis of being a broken family and we would all come out of it just fine in spite of it all! (cue trumpets)

So, now, like I said, I'm facing a time of not being Super Mom anymore, and I don't know what that means or how to handle it or even who I am if I'm not Mom. I look at friends around me who have gone through it or are going through the "empty nest" stage, and it looks to me like they're handling it a lot better than I am. Or, maybe I just can't see it. I'm hoping I'm not the only one struggling with it. 

I have many reasons for starting this blog: 

1. I think it will be therapeutic for me, and maybe others can come along for the ride. 
2. I'm hoping to use encouragement and humor to remind myself and other Empty Nesters that we've got a whole life ahead of us and that there's lots to look forward to. I'm a big list maker. I like to make lists like "Good things about being divorced" or "Blessings I didn't know I had" or something like that.
3. I want to include posts with ideas for how to stay active in my adult kids' lives - whether they want it or not! :) At least, that's my plan - if I can figure out how to do that. I'll be glad for any ideas anyone else has! 
4. I want to give encouragement and perspective to myself and others who are also dealing with children who are not following the teachings of the LDS church.

So...here they are. This was taken a couple of years ago as son #2 (in the middle)was about to be deployed to Iraq. He's home now, and safe, and now son #1 (black shirt on the right) is about to be deployed to Afghanistan this fall. (They're both in the National Guard only in different units)

Believe me, the "Molly Mormon" part of this blog was completely facetious. My life is not perfect, 4 of my 5 kids are inactive in the church and the jury is still out on the 5th child. I took my kids to church every Sunday, had Family Home Evening when I wasn't too tired after work, read scriptures with my kids most nights, and tried to spend time with my kids instead of making sure my house was spotless. I know how to quilt but usually tie quilts instead, I love to sew but rarely get to do it. I was a stay-at-home mom until my divorce and have had to work outside my home ever since. I hate cleaning bathrooms and my fridge, I never make my bed, and I'm a lousy Visiting Teacher. I love to teach - anything, any class in church, and would like to teach English at the high school, but have been staying with my present job while my son was finishing school because I get to work from home as an airline reservations agent. I've got lots of dreams and little resources, but I love my family: my kids, my husband, my parents and siblings, and my extended family. My whole life's calling has always been to organize family outings and get us all together. I don't know why - that just seems to be my "job" in my family. I'm good at some things and lousy at others, I have a hard time saying "I'm sorry" but I don't know how to keep my mouth shut when I should. I guess I'm just like many of you. 

This blog is for us imperfect, faithful, struggling, hopeful, loving, worried, empty nest LDS moms who just need to know we'll be ok and that we're not alone. We'll do it together. I'm looking forward to the journey!